please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
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Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.