Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.

I should probably buy him something soon.

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*

Pretty close.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY