*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I have a type: disappointing
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.