Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
You Might Also Like
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.