Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.