People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
You Might Also Like
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.