What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
A ghost story
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
estão todos miauvindo?