“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
My whole life was a lie.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
wow he looks just like him
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive