My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?