I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You Might Also Like
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons