I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
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My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
im all 3
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.