Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
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If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Now this is how you LinkedIn
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard