Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
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*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
PLOT TWIST:
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.