Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen