I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Its true…
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.