I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona: