Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
This probably isn’t good
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good