The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Do not levitate over flowers
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Golf would be better with landmines.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho