Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
(2022)
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
They’re the worst 😩
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s