centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric