[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
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“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Who did it better?
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.