ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Passwords are more important than ever.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.