Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
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Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities