Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
You Might Also Like
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Running from your problems is cardio .
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”