people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I think my mom just blocked me
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?