If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Modded the new Gran Turismo
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.