[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
You Might Also Like
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.