Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.