listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I think about this a lot
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Worth a try
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no