If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.