“Why you watching this shit?”
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When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Never be a pizza!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday