“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
These aliens are taking forever.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier