A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
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Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.