Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
how to have fun when you’re poor
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.