ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
You Might Also Like
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish