I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
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It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
BRAKING NEWS!!
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!