Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
All is fair in drunk and war.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way