Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary