Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
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Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*