Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
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Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.