While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*seductively eats two tums*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.