The second world war should have been called world war returns
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and now we wait
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
My dating profile:
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
😂😂😂