Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!