My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.