BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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figuring out my emotional availability:
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
3% human
97% stress
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way