Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
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*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.