Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
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charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Bike for sale
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.