Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
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My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Siri: Retweet me.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.