1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Guantanamo Bae
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.