This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
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Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws